Rites of Passage — Column by Mark Martinez
It’s January, the time of year that many people think about New Year’s Resolutions. Why? Because the idea (or attitude) is that the first of a new year marks new starts, fresh beginnings—a “do-over.” For us to do the hard work that we know needs to be done, in order to better ourselves. A resolution is typically not easy. It’s usually a stretch, something that doesn’t come naturally, but we know it’s good for us. So we resolve to do something different.
I find that one of the best and healthiest things we can ever do for ourselves is to learn to forgive. If you struggle in this area, let this be your resolution this year.
Life is all about relationships, and there is one thing that is for certain in nearly every relationship—emotional pain. This pain will be as a result of disappointment, rejection, betrayal, or unmet expectations. Sometimes the pain is intended, and sometimes it’s not. Yet it’s up to each of us to learn to forgive those who have hurt us.
This can be especially tough for young teens to do, as so much of their behavior is based on emotions rather than on logic and reasoning. Forgiveness is one of the most critical things in life that you must learn, with the discipline required to remain forgiving. The ability to forgive is a sign of maturity, and it doesn’t come easy.
Forgiveness means surrendering your right to retribution for a wrong that was done to you.
Let’s break that down. “Surrendering” means this is a decision of your will, it’s your choice. Only you can choose whether or not to forgive.
“Your right” means you’re entitled to retribution. You deserve to issue a fair and equal response.
The “retribution” refers to payback. Dishing back harm for something that was done to you unjustly or unfairly.
Remember, most people never feel like forgiving. Harm does hurt and hurt people tend to hurt people. But keep this in mind—and this part is very important—when you choose not to forgive, it doesn’t hurt the other person nearly as much as it hurts you.
Unforgiveness eats you up from the inside and tears apart your mind, emotions, and soul. There is a timeless saying:
Unforgiveness is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.
Some people recognize the harm they have done and are genuinely repentant and ask forgiveness. Grant it to them and let it go. Don’t bring it up again. Other people aren’t aware of their harm or don’t even care. Forgive them in your own heart and let it go.
Be aware that forgiveness is not the same as tolerance. You should never have to, or be expected to, tolerate someone’s ongoing harm toward you. Don’t be fooled by anyone who consistently hurts you and then says they are sorry so that you will remain in their life. Do not put up with that, no matter who it is. You should separate yourself from that relationship until they can get help for themselves to stop that behavior. If or when you allow them back into your life, be cautious as they will have to earn back your trust over time.
I love how 1 John 1:9 tells us that when we confess our sins (transgressions) to God, we are forgiven, while James 5:16 says when we confess to each other, we are healed.
Yes, we do find pain in our relationships, but through forgiveness we can also find healing. Teach your teen that relationship healing begins only after forgiveness is given.
