Rites of Passage — Column by Mark Martinez
“Has anyone seen my teenage child? I think they have been kidnapped and taken over by an alien.”
Do you have any idea how many times I have heard parents say that to me? Working with families of preteens and young teens, I hear this statement constantly at conferences, home school events, and other gatherings. Parents are in a semi-state of shock, wondering what ever happened to that sweet little boy or darling princess who used to love being picked up and receiving kisses.
Well, mom and dad, those days are over. For now. But if you do the right things, they will most likely return later.
When kids hit their puberty years, there is a radical change in their body that is occurring. The outward appearances are evident. Body hair, acne, the start of shaving, and noticing the opposite sex. Boys develop muscular definition, an Adam’s apple; they sweat and they stink. Girls begin ovulation, their bodies take shape, and they start exploring cosmetics.
As parents, we must remember that internal changes are taking shape as well. There is a radical transformation of their brain. Here is how it works.
The limbic system is located near the back of the brain and is the first part of the brain to fully develop. This is the emotional center of the brain and is typically remodeled between ages 10-13. As the brain continues to develop from back to front, the last part to develop is the prefrontal cortex. This is the part of the brain that is responsible for decision making, self-control, and understanding consequences. This brain portion typically completes its remodeling at about the age of 25.
Did you catch that?
The first part of the brain to form is emotions—in the preteen/teen years. The last part of the brain to form is logic and reasoning—not until the mid-20’s.
That is why your preteen and teen often responds and behaves emotionally, takes unnecessary risks, and often doesn’t think about long term consequences. If you have ever asked your teen, “What were you thinking?” and they reply with “I don’t know.” Please understand that “I don’t know” is an acceptable answer to them. Their brain may not have been able to discern the potential outcome of their actions. An alien has not taken over your teen, normal hormonal development has.
What can you do as a parent to help your teens through this stage? First, expect an increase in emotional reactions. Don’t expect them to say or do what you would do. Be patient with them and don’t let their reactions trigger teen-like reactions in your response. Remember, YOU are the adult with the full formed brain.
Next, don’t take things personally. They may say something that feels cruel or uncaring to you. It probably is. Remember that any words or actions you take in response to your teen will most likely be remembered for life. Don’t say or do anything that could damage your relationship.
NOTE: Teens, this does NOT give you permission to intentionally disobey or disrespect your parents. Part of the process of becoming an adult means to develop self-control in your own words and actions.
What things you can do to help your teen with healthy brain development?
- Avoid concussions or other head injuries.
- Ensure they get 8-10 hours of sleep each night.
- Be sure they exercise. Implement a healthy diet, if they aren’t on one already.
- Help manage their stress levels by not overcommitting them in school and extra-curricular activities.
- Get them involved in mentally stimulating activities, such as reading, puzzles, and other brain games.
What is the most important thing you can do to help your teen? No substance abuse. That includes smoking, vaping, alcohol, or drugs. These substances will actually retard healthy brain development—even to the point of never fully recovering.
