Rites of Passage — Column by Mark Martinez
My oldest grandson starts first grade this month and I’m terrified for him.
Am I concerned about his ability to learn, to make friends, to find his way around campus, or to enjoy his new surroundings? No. He’ll do great with that. He’s a super outgoing kid. He’s not afraid of new people or new environments. He loves learning new things and really enjoys being hands-on with learning. He has a great attitude and is (mostly) respectful of others. So, what am I terrified of?
Bullies.
I’m afraid of his first introduction to bullies, and perhaps of being bullied. He’s on the small side for his age, and bullies nearly always pick on someone smaller. Recent statistics show that about 1 in 5 kids grade 6-12 report being bullied every year. Even worse, about 1 in 3 elementary school students report being bullied often, with 20% in kindergarten alone. Between 6-10% of kids are chronically bullied, and a class of 20 students will have between 1-3 bullies.*
Why am I terrified for him, since you can look at the flipside of these statistics and opine that the majority of kids are NOT bullied? Because I’ve seen the result of bullying firsthand.
My daughter was bullied.
Similar to my grandson, she had the sweetest and most loving disposition. My wife homeschooled her up to sixth grade. We put her in school (a private Christian school) starting in seventh grade, and this is where her bully lurked.
My wife and I saw the change in her. She became sad, anxious and withdrawn. Her grades dropped, she had frequent stomach aches, and she dove further and further into isolation. Eventually this led to depression and even suicidal ideology. All of these are signs of someone being bullied. But we didn’t know this at the time. She didn’t tell us; she didn’t know how to tell us. We only found out when our older daughter came across this while it was happening, at which point she stepped in to stop it and to let us know. The boy was eventually expelled, but the damage was done.
While we prepare our kids for back to school, which can include new outfits, backpack, supplies and household routines, we should also prepare them for how to handle a bully.
First, have a conversation with them. Let them know that not all kids are nice and friendly. Talk to them about noticing the behaviors of other kids and determining who is safe and who is not. Inform them that they are not allowed to be spoken to rudely by someone, they cannot be pushed or hit, and they cannot be touched inappropriately. For younger kids who may not understand what this means, tell them that nobody is allowed to touch them in any area of their body that is covered by a bathing suit. If any of these things take place, they are to talk to mom or dad that very day so that they can get help.
In addition, if they see someone else being bullied, they are to inform a teacher or other adult at the school so that the offending child can be watched. When I was a kid, there was a stigma about being a “tattle tale”. Not anymore. Bullies do not stop at only one victim. There are typically several wounded kids caught up in their wake.
Start teaching your kids about how to avoid a bully, but to be assertive if they can’t. Role play some scenarios so that they won’t be caught off guard in case this happens to them. It’s certainly a great idea to enroll your child in some sort of self-defense program if, for nothing else, to build their self-confidence and esteem. Have them establish a group of friends at school that will hang out together and watch each other’s back. There is safety in numbers, and bullies prefer to beat on those who are alone.
Finally, inform your child that bullying does not end at school. Adult bullies continue to exist in the workplace, in our neighborhoods, as parents of other kids that our child plays sports with. If our kids learn to stand up to bullies now, as a part of their “life” education, they will be better equipped to handle them throughout their adult life.
*NOTE: if you would like the citation of the statistics stated above, or to get more information on an Anti-Bullying workshop that Mark will be conducting, please email info@cropministries.org
