Rites of Passage — Column by Mark Martinez
“You’re getting married this weekend? But you’ve only known him for five weeks.”
Claire (not her real name) was in my young adult singles class, a very kind, sweet girl who desperately wanted to be married. A new guy breezed into our group and swept her off her feet. Most of us suspected something was off with him. However, she wouldn’t listen. There was a man that was paying attention to her, and she craved being desired by someone.
“But we are in love,” Claire claimed. “He told me it was love at first site, and I felt the same way about him. We have so much in common, we never argue. Every moment together is simply magical. It’s as if it was meant to be.”
“You’ve only known him five weeks,” I reiterated. “If it’s truly love, and if it’s meant to be, don’t you think you should give the relationship more time? After all, marriage is intended to be for life. What difference would there be if you simply took more time together prior to making that commitment?”
I wrote a book about fatherly advice with my daughter. In A Father’s Story: Life Lessons from My Dad to You, my daughter asks the question, “Did you ever experience love at first sight?”
Here is the answer I wrote:
“So, as you get older, wiser, and more mature, you will realize there is no such thing as love at first sight. While it is a romantic notion with fairy tale type of inferences, love at first sight is a myth. While there truly is ‘attraction at first sight,’ or even ‘lust at first sight’ there is not love.
Why? Because we have to understand the definition of love. Contrary to popular belief, love is not a feeling. It’s a decision. Can you imagine if love was only a feeling? You would fall out of love whenever you got upset with someone faster than you fell in love with them. While love does come with plenty of feeling attached, it truly is a decision to fall in love with someone.
Why? Because of what the definition of love is. Love is patient. Love is kind. It is not jealous. It does not brag. It is not arrogant, it does not act disgracefully, does not seek its own benefit. It is not provoked. Does not keep an account of wrong suffered. It does not rejoice in unrighteousness but rejoices with truth. It keeps every confidence. It believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails. (1 Corinthians 13:4-8).”
So, it truly is impossible to apply all those attributes of love to someone at first sight.
In my Christian Rite of Passage (CROP) curriculum that I wrote for families with young teens, I have a lesson on dating. I inform the teens that every dating relationship will end in one of three ways: 1) he dumps her; 2) she dumps him; 3) you get married. That’s it. There are no other outcomes. So before you think you have found that perfect ‘soulmate,’ give it some time. I advise a minimum of one full year of exclusive dating prior to getting married.
As February is the month that many celebrate Valentine’s Day, it’s not uncommon for single adults to long for a relationship with a special someone, a special future mate. Loneliness can certainly be an empty feeling, but nothing like the loneliness of being locked into a bad marriage that you feel you can’t get out of.
Oh, and what about Claire? She whisked off to Las Vegas to get married that weekend. Six months later, she was back at our singles class. A divorced, embarrassed and deeply broken woman.
