A Satirical Response to Governor Little’s Signing of H710, “Children’s School and Library Protection Act”

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Op-Ed by Suzanne Kearney

Editor’s note: This satirical writing is best understood by knowing about the three-year endeavor to pass legislation to protect minors and the opposition that endeavor.

I am appalled that our governor just signed legislation that will harm minors by relocating books that are harmful to minors. The people who wrote harmful to minors law don’t know anything. They may be experts in criminology and child psychology, but experts should only be cited when they support the right narrative. Besides, it’s not harmful if it comes from the library. Everyone who supports this new law is a racist, misogynistic, anti-first amendment book banner who probably voted for Trump. Think about it: moving a book from one place to another is exactly the same as throwing it in a bonfire. And the fact that kids might not be able to read sex books without parental consent is a complete infringement of parental rights. Besides, the library already has minor cards, and only the older kids get the sex books, because of course 12- to 17-year-olds are only sort of kind of minors, but not really. 

Why would these kids want to read some dusty old hag like Jane Austen when they can learn how to masturbate and have oral sex? This information is essential, and the earlier kids are exposed, the better, especially for groomers, minor attracted persons, and Planned Parenthood. I am a firm believer that kids should be entertained and politicized, not educated, so they become lifelong dependents and useful idiots for the governing elites. 

Speaking of which, I don’t believe in God, but I still say, thank God this new hateful law doesn’t ban other inspiring ideals. CLN can still promote that uplifting book about suicide, and lots of stuff about critical theory and the occult and everything that makes society better. Dividing kids into oppressed groups and teaching them to channel demons and kill themselves is good for everyone. 

Anyway, since the library director told the Press that she doesn’t believe any CLN books meet this new law’s definition of ‘harmful to minors,’ it must be true, and that’s a good thing, because the kids will still have access to all the sex books. In fact, I suggest we broadcast some Ellen Hopkins audiobooks in the minors’ sections so every kid can benefit from listening to a dad molest his young daughter. Just make sure they’re played as a whole in context, because kids always read the sex parts in context. In closing, if the board updates the Materials Policy, please continue to slow-roll, create drama, accuse, manipulate, get emotional, and try to give some good sound bites to the Press to make those knuckle-dragging conservatives look bad. And please keep the dirty books alive, because Book Lives Matter!

Suzanne Kearney, “she/her”
On behalf of Clean Books 4 Kids, www.cleanbooks4kids.com

Suzanne Kearney presented this satirical message as a public comment at a Community Library Network Board of Trustees general meeting. Kearney has regularly advocated for the protection of children in publicly funded libraries over the past three years.